When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize