she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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