i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
