I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
