My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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