I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
