i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
