i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
