I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
