vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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