I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
