what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
