I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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