can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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