I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
