Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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