I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
