first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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