Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
