So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
