So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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