I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
