When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
