take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
