How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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