i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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