I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize