Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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