I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
