As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
