I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
