she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
