Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls

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(530): View more from California

I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP

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(707): View more from California

How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.

(317): View more from Indiana

Also, my apartment walls are too thin

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