I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
