She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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