No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
