my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
