this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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