What did we do last night that was yellow?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
