Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
