This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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