Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Terrible idea I love it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
