I want to walk on stilts...naked
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
