Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
