The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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