No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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