I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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