are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
