My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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