i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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