Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
