Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize