Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
