I didn't shave. On purpose
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Randomize
