Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
