Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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