Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
