my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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