There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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