i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
