You made me cry and you don't even care
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
