fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Someone came in the potted fern
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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