She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
