Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize