Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
