so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
