I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
