So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
