i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
